Episode 5.02: “A War on Two Fronts”
Our story arc begins with a request for assistance from insurgents on Onderron, who are currently battling to overthrow a pro-Separatist puppet dictator, a predicament which mirrors absolutely no real-life situation whatsoever. Anakin Skywalker pleads with the Jedi Council to intervene–thousands of worlds contain freedom fighters who simply need advisors to overthrow their Separatist-aligned masters.
Jedi Master Anne-Marie Slaughter further argues that the Republic could establish “no kill zones“. Patrolled by droid starfighters, the Republic could then aid the insurgents with heavy weaponry. After all, providing unpredictable insurgents with heavy weaponry is the best way to prevent more killing. Yoda, however, scoffs at this suggestion, recommending that Slaughter just abandon the whole international affairs thing altogether and stick to writing books about raising babies.
Tom Friedman, also on the Jedi council, counters that the Jedi could act as a “midwife” for Onderron. The guy’s more nebulous than Yoda. Padawan Nicholas Kristof, communicating via Holonet from Aspen, advocates for a full-scale intervention in Onderron, ignoring the clear interest that the Trade Federation, Corporate Alliance, Jedi, Sith, Republic and Separatists each have in the conflict. Mace Windu presses Kristof on the sacrifices required by the Republic’s sons and daughters, should the Republic intervene. Fear not, for if anyone knows the burden borne by the Republic’s youth, it’s Kristof, whose son is currently seeing the world and gaining real-life experiences while he saves up money for college. Oh, he’s not in the Army, he’s somewhere in Thailand last we checked.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan Kenobi, ever the strategist, urges caution and restraint, lest the Republic be seen as supporting terrorism. Plus, the Separatist-backed king is a legitimate leader; overthrowing him would lead to “dangerous possibilities”. Silly little details like this never stopped the CIA, but I guess we need to move the plot along somehow.
Anakin convinces the council that Jedi advisors could link up with the insurgents to give them training and non-lethal arms for use against the Separatist drones. The Jedi Council agrees, noting that foriegn advisory missions could be a “great new weapon for us”.
The Jedi, scrapped for resources, try to sell foreign advisory missions at the next AUSA Convention, lest the Republic Navy get that 300-Star Destroyer fleet they’re always asking for.
Episode 5.03, “Front Runners”
Lesson: “This is indicative of an insurgency is in its death throes”
Obi-Wan, Anakin, Ahsoka Tano, and Clone Trooper Rex link up with the insurgents. After a brief training session, the insurgents infiltrate the city of Iziz, where they wage an urban guerrilla campaign against isolated droid patrols. The insurgents plan to stage a high-profile attack on a large power station, located within a droid bastion in the middle of the city to demonstrate their new-found strength. Which is silly, because everyone knows that spectacular attacks on huge bastions are really indicative of weakening insurgencies!
Following the battle, Count Dooku promises to surge the number of droid troops on Onderron, placing them under the command of a new general. After all, Dooku’s been looking for a new general ever since the previous tactical droid made some outlandish comments in Rolling Droid magazine.
Episode 5.03 “The Soft War”
Lesson: “Sometimes there aren’t any snarky COIN comments to come out of a Clone Wars Episode. This is one of them”.
Episode 5.04, “Tipping Points”
Lesson: “You know, maybe the CIA was right after all”
Population-centric COIN be damned, the Separatist droids embark to smash the main insurgent base. Because all insurgent movement have one main, smashable base, and doing so crushes the entire insurgency. To do so, the droid armies unleash massive, missile armed gunships, which wreak havoc on the insurgents. Receiving a call for help, Anakin and Obi-Wan mull how best to aid the failing insurgency. What would you do if giant floating gunships rained down death from the sky on your proxy insurgency?
In an allegory to absolutely no event in living memory, Anakin and Obi-Wan conspire with shady arms dealer Hondo Ohnaka to illegally provide the insurgents with shoulder-fired guided missiles which possess the ability to destroy giant missile-firing gunships.
Thanks to the timely arrival of MANPADS, the rebellion is saved, and the insurgents go on to govern the planet in a completely just manner, without giving rise to any sort of dictatorial rule or becoming a haven for terrorism.
Well, until Episode 5.05 comes out, I guess…